Currently Listening Beyond Measure By Jeremy Camp see related

"Grace Needed"

Why is it that we sometimes make it necessary for ourselves to learn lessons over and over again?  When I was younger and I learned about various stories in the Bible, I would wonder what was wrong with the individuals in the story.  Let's take the Israelites, for example.  They saw miraculous works straight from the hand of God, they were supernaturally delivered out of the land in which they were enslaved, they received food from Heaven daily and their clothes and belongings didn't wear out during their 40-year journey in circles.  What happened?  They didn't trust God.  They were babies.  They wanted what they wanted right then and didn't submit themselves to God.  What happened to them?  They died in the wilderness.  They were still God's chosen people.  He still loved them.  He still extended them tremendous patience and mercy.  But they didn't learn.  They died without experiencing the fullness of God's plan for them.  Sampson was another one.  Dude, if a woman lies to you that many times, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING trusting her???  "Excuse me, how might I be able to break into your home?"  If the day after you answered that question, your home had been attempted to be broken into by the method you suggested, would you consider trusting the person to whom you gave the suggestion?  That's ridiculous!  Now think about doing that three times in a row.  Hmm...not too perceptive of the guy! 

I used to completely judge people who failed over and over again.  Perhaps I was just too young to understand the grace of God.  Or maybe I thought I was better than they were.  God has not allowed me to continue in this attitude of pride, as I have been so completely ashamed of things I've done, even over and over again.  The weight of sin and failure can be more than we can bear at times.  But God has a different view of this than we do.  He always knew that we couldn't follow His plan.  He knew that our pride would only last so long, as eventually we all have such black marks on our records that we are no longer capable of pointing fingers at others in disgust, because that only serves to further condemn us.  This doesn't shake Him, though.  The plan was always about Him and the blood of Jesus and the grace that He provided for us.  We are merely children, sometimes playing dress-up, as though we are mature and know much.  It is only through accepting this grace and God's sovereignty that we are able to step into true maturity as a child of God, which looks surprisingly childlike.    

The Bible is full of examples of people who both royally blew it and people who were perpetual offenders.  And yet, God called them His own.  He made a way for them, provided for their needs, blessed them, and even allowed them to rule His people.  Who are we to think that we are better than they were?  Who are we to think that we are any better than one another?  To extend this love, mercy, grace and forgiveness to one another is to extend a portion of God's heart that lives in us.         

Currently Listening Wait for Me: The Best from Rebecca St. James By Rebecca St. James see related

Out of Nowhere...

My walk with God has not been very high quality as of late.  I am not proud of this, but it is a fact.  I have struggled in more than one area of my life, I haven't read my Bible very much and I don't even pray all that often.  I go to church most of the time, but that is more out of obligation to the people around me than to take time out of my life to worship God.  Over the last couple of weeks I've been trying to work through some things and get back into regular fellowship with God.  Sometimes it isn't easy.  But I've been trying. 

Tonight I stopped to get gas so that I would have a full tank for tomorrow when we get three feet of snow.  I went inside while the gas was pumping to see if there was anything that I absolutely had to have.  I decided that I could live another day without anything that the store had to offer.  On my way out, a man approached me.  I knew he didn't know me because he opened with "Excuse me, miss?"  No one I know calls me "Miss", not even the kids I work with.  I stopped and smiled at him.  He started off asking me if I could "help him out" with some gas in his car.  He then proceeded to tell me the story.  He was trying to get down to pick up his son and he didn't want to miss the visit because he has visitation rights and he didn't want to jeapordize them.  

When the man first approached me, the common thought of "he's going to ask me for money and buy drugs with it" ran through my mind, but I decided to let it run right through and out the other side.  I had no way to verify this man's story.  I still don't.  But there was something about the way he talked about his son that made me believe him.  I told him I would put $10.00 into his tank.  He looked at me as if I'd offer to give him a car and just stood there for a second and said "really?".  I told him yes and he pulled his car up to the pump.  I put my card in and chatting with him while he pumped it.  I asked him a few questions about his son.  We talked about that for a few minutes.  He asked if I ever partied.  I told him no.  I think he thought I was being judgmental because he said "I don't mean in a bad way...just, do you ever go out?"  I told him that I often spent time with my friends from church.  He said "Oh, you're a Christian?", to which I replied "yes."  He started telling me how he used to go to church and read the Bible daily and pray.  He said that the world and his problems seemed so much easier then, but now things seem insurrmountable.  He told me about how he's had trouble finding a job in Willimantic, but he's uneasy about leaving because he just bought the van he was driving for $1,300 and it's had so many problems since he purchased it.  We chatted way past $10.00.  I knew that we were.  I was okay with that.  By the time he noticed, he was very apologetic.  I told him that I knew and that it was fine.  He put his head down and shook it.  I told him to go and get his son, have a good time with him, and, if he has any gas left over on Sunday, to go stop by church. 

It just amazes me that in the horrific state of spiritual fitness I'm in, God would still choose to use me for His purposes.  It's one thing when we are in a good place.  We think "Well, of course God would use me...why wouldn't He?".  It's much more humbling, knowing that we are undeserving and so so so fallible, and God still uses us for His purposes.  It's because it's not about us.  It's easy to think it is, when we are good and feel righteous.  But when we know we are dirty and broken and unworthy, it becomes painfully clear that it's all about Him...which is exactly what it should be.   

Right before he left he hugged me and said that he thinks he ran into me for a reason.  I think he did too.   

The Arrival

Do you have a Carin?

There are some things in life I've taken for granted over the years...my health...the love of my family...Carin.  Carin is my best friend.  I've known her since...well, I don't remember not knowing her.  She is more my sister than any blood test could show.  We walked to kindergarden on the first day of school together, we dreamed about how cool it would be when we got our driver's license and could go to the mall (and the big chicken made me get mine two whole years before she got up the nerve to drive!), we roomed together in college, I conned her into moving to Connecticut with me, but only after introducing her to her future husband (they've since married and it was a beautiful wedding), we laughed together (and still do), cried together (and still do), and we were both strong when the other was weak.  I've seemed to be the weak one more, but she's okay with that.  I have always been able to count on her.  I can remember having a conversation with a girl when I first started college.  She was talking to me about not having any friends.  I could understand that sentiment.  I didn't have many friends either.  But as she went on I realized that she didn't even have that one friend.  That one "closer than a brother" friend who would always be there for her.  My heart hurt for her.  I didn't know what it would be like to not have a Carin.   

Today, she came to my house.  It was such a mess that I've been avoiding being here for about two months.   She came to the apartment that she and I used to share and helped me clean up some of the mess from my roommate moving in.  There are cats here.  They don't smell good and their hair is everywhere.  She doesn't like cats.  But she came anyway.  She came and helped me vacuum up all of the yucky cat hair and organize all of my stuff.  She sat on the couch while I went through my closet of older clothes and would either say, "yeah, I still like that" or give me a look that could only mean that she thought it was ugly ten years ago when I bought it and that it didn't grow on her over time.  I made a pile of give-away stuff.  After her husband worked all day, he came up to join the fun.  He took out everything that we being thrown or given away and said he would take care of it (boy, did I find her a good man!).  Then we ate chili that we fixed together earlier in the day in my nice clean apartment.  I am sitting in the dining room that I haven't really had space to put my laptop in since I got it, finishing this email, while I enjoy all of the candles that are lit around the room.  It's been a long day and I'm getting ready for bed, but I won't be going to sleep until I thank God for giving me a little guardian angel who's been my friend since nearly birth, who stuck up for me when everyone else would make fun of and pick on me, who's always told it to me like it is and who will still come over to my house and help me clean up a mess that she didn't even begin to make.  I will thank Him for her and all she's meant to me in my life and what she will continue to mean to me as we journey on through life together.  Some women need men to show them love and some women have Carins in their lives.  I'm so thankful that I have one in mine.    

The Illusion

I think we have all been cheated!  We've been cheated into thinking that life is a certain way.  It began when we were young...the illusion of those who were just a little older than us having everything together...really knowing what they were doing and where their life was going.  "When I get into high school, I'll have it all together like her."  But something happened....or nothing happened.  It was always just beyond reach..."next year"..."when I get my license"..."when I am dating someone"..."when I graduate from high school...am in college...graduate from college...live on my own."  Well, I'm here to uncover the lie!  In case you haven't figured it out yet, no one has everything together.  They are just as confused about life as you are.  I feel compelled to share this with you as I have been through 19 years of education, three cars, graduated from grad school, began a career, had three boyfriends, thousands of dates with boys who weren't worth dating, moved two hours away from my family...then two days, lived with a roommate, lived alone and now live with cats that I don't like and don't know how to get rid of...it just keeps happening.  Life that is.  So, I guess the only choices are to enjoy the ride or throw up on someone, because the teacup keeps on spinning.  And remember, the person in the cup next to you feels just as nauseous as you.